Contains Phenylalanine

Goodbyes

2012-01-25T16:25:00.001+13:00

I hate to miss a good funeral.

Of all my life regrets, missing the funeral of someone I have loved or respected would be one of my strongest. Today as I enjoyed my penultimate CPE group session, presenting our end of chaplaincy reflections to the group, I was also keenly aware that I was missing the funeral of Andrew Duxfield in Tawa. I spent much of the afternoon thinking of Charmaine, Michael, Kelly, Tim, Kim, Amy and Rosie.

Andrew had taken over as my Boys Brigade captain when the group had fallen into a state of disarray and we feared that the company would close. He shared his faith warmly with us boys, working to build in us a faith that is 'sure and steadfast'. He took us away on amazing end of year adventures around Tongariro and Taranaki, memories of which sit warmly with me. He coaxed me (most of the way) up mountains and helped me get further than I imagined. I wheezed and puffed. He told me I could do it.

His adventure filled life and faith continued. I worked with his family as. a youth leader. News last week of his very sudden death in Fiji while on mission work came as a huge shock.

Andrew will be missed. I would like to climb those mountains again someday.

2011

2011-12-10T21:48:00.002+13:00

The organised of my friends have started with the business of Christmas letters already. Perhaps if I were organised I too might write a letter summising my year for friends to reflect on, some form of expository "show and tell" of my life.

If I were to write one I might reflect on the difference of starting a second year at St Johns compared to my first year. Gone was the deep grief I felt in 2010 for all the good friends, opportunities, resources and ministry I had left behind in Karori. Somehow 2011 felt different.

And I might mention that I got to attend not one but all three New Wine camps, do wave my hands in the air and host sessions, representing the national leadership team. It was fun and scary.

I might mention in a christmas letter that a crucial point in my year came in May when I received a letter from Bishop Tom saying that I would be ordained as a deacon in November. Immediately, at the half way point of my time at St Johns I was being reoriented outwards again, to start thinking of the path ahead.

I would be amiss if I didn't make mention of the extent to which the Christ Church Cathedral family have been in my mind all year since the February earthquake. The five weeks I spent there leading up to Christmas 2010 were very special for me, and even more so given the events of this year.

Mention must also be given in a Christmas letter to all my dear friends, for and to whom I am very grateful. The community at St Johns (a superb bunch), those connections from Karori, Tawa, Alpha, New Wine, Soul Survivor, Alpha, or elsewhere (many of whom I keep contact with online) and newer friends in Auckland all mean much to me.

And I would probably make mention of the events of November 19 when Bishop Tom Brown laid his hands on my head and, somehow, I emerged changed. How or what changed remains a mystery to me, but I know in my bones that it was significant.

Closing a fictitious Christmas Letter would be a reflection on the CPE work I am doing at Middlemore Hospital at the moment as a Chaplain on Ward 34, the conversations I am having with people, and the self I am discovering along the way.

I would then proceed to, with a lump in my metaphorical throat, to wish all my friends my prayers, blessings and hopes for 2012. May the year ahead be your best year yet.

Random thoughts on a sunny Sunday afternoon

2011-08-21T12:12:00.001+12:00

1. Some days I'm just not in the mood. Am I becoming more grumpy as I get older? I don't want to.

2. Being told that I look tired or ragged around the edges helps never.

3. I long for more creativity.

4. A voice at a solitary railway station is an unexpected thing. Nice man telling me that the train has been delayed ten minutes.

5. "The real thing." Yup.

6. People often comment that I'm so secretive, guarded. Is it just me? Can I fix this?

7. Downside up, upside down.

8. Man up!

9. I'd love a steak about now. Or a good summer barbecue.

10. I love the excitement of Sunday kids on trains. I want it.

Counting

2011-08-16T14:49:00.000+12:00

I've been trying to live more intentionally. Partially this is coming from a Spirituality for Ministry paper I'm doing, and partly is simply the fruit of the journey and spiritual adventure that I'm on, especially as I head toward my ordination as Deacon in November.

Part of my discipline is to be observant of the passing of time in my own life. My calendar tells me that today I am 12,237 days old. The act of watching the numbers clock onward helps me to examine (and examen) each day.

Perhaps that's why I found this video so evocative. The guy counts from one to 100,000. It takes him 77 hours. (To be honest, I'm pretty jealous of his initiative and sticking power.)

Want a job?

2011-08-07T11:37:00.000+12:00

Wanted: leaders to lead me.

So, it's official. Bishop Tom is retiring. He confirmed me while he was still assistant bishop (many moons ago), will ordain me as Deacon in November, but then we will have a new bishop. I have really appreciated Bishop Tom as bishop.

Jim White, my dean at college is also leaving (to become Assistant Bishop of Auckland). Jim has been a great leader and teacher.

With change comes great uncertainty. What will the future hold? What will it look like? Will the blessings of change outweigh the painfulness of change? As the political factions buzz their way into behind-the-scenes manipulation (yup, you'd better believe it... it happens in the church) what, or more importantly who, will come forward?

I trust God, but do I trust the church to make these decisions?

The theory is, of course, that the church follows the will of God. The reality is that we are a stubborn mule.

At this point, questions of leadership come to mind for me. I've always been pretty suspicious of the leaders who posture and postulate themselves into the leadership spotlight. "Choose me, choose me!" they advocate at every opportunity. I'm much more trusting of those who take the approach, "it's the last thing in the world I would want to do, but if it be the will of God..." Of course such "humility" has its own dangers.

What does it mean to be a leader? What are the true qualifications? How does the calling of God work, especially through a crackpot institution?

(Send your CV my way...)

Permanently Clossed

2011-07-25T22:16:00.000+12:00

Walking home
I see a sign on a door:

"THIS DOOR IS NOW PERMANENTLY CLOSED"

It gets me thinking.

What doors in my life are permanently closed that ought not be?
What doors need I securely shut?
What purpose or identification has a permanently closed door? Is it now merely a decorative hinged wall?
What of the potential?

I'd better keep walking lest my brain explode.

Failure

2011-07-12T22:23:00.001+12:00

Ever feel like a failure?
Often my regrets don't get dealt with, I just move past them.
It's easier that way.
Because I'm a wuss.
And for the most part, we are allowed to.

Fortunately, we are not forced to face them head on in the same way that someone under trial or in the glare of media scrutiny does.
No one writes books about my failings.
I'm grateful for that. And hope it stays that way.

I have been a failure as a youth minister.
I have been a failure in my employment.
I have been a failure in relationships.
I have been a failure in my study.
And I will go on failing.
Therein is truth.

If you read this blog because you know me, I will have let you down.
I'm very sorry. And terribly ashamed.

And there are areas of my failings that I must grow balls and deal with.
People that I must talk to, positions I must take, opinions I must defend.
Things I need to learn from, and things I just need to learn.

But failure is not my identity.
The law of the spirit of life has set me free from the law of sin and death.

A spell for the Refreshment of the Spirit

2011-07-05T00:13:00.002+12:00

Been enjoying listening to the Chronicles of Narnia lately. So many beautiful, profound statements, often in passing. This passage particularly has been reverberating.

On the next page she came to a spell "for the refreshment of the spirit'. The pictures were fewer here but very beautiful. And what Lucy found herself reading was more like a story than a spell. It went on for three pages and before she had read to the bottom of the page she had forgotten that she was reading at all. She was living in the story as if it were real, and all the pictures were real too. When she had got to the third page and come to the end, she said, "That is the loveliest story I've ever read or ever shall read in my whole life. Oh, I wish I could have gone on reading it for ten years. At least I'll read it over again."

But here part of the magic of the Book came into play. You couldn't turn back. The right-hand pages, the ones ahead, could be turned; the left-hand pages could not.

"Oh, what a shame!" said Lucy. "I did so want to read it again. Well, at least I must remember it. Let's see . . . it was about . . . about . . . oh dear, it's all fading away again.

And even this last page is going blank. This is a very queer book. How can I have forgotten? It was about a cup and a sword and a tree and a green hill, I know that much. But I can't remember and what shall I do?"

And she never could remember; and ever since that day what Lucy means by a good story is a story which reminds her of the forgotten story in the Magician's Book.

Stanley Haweraus Quote

2011-06-03T23:01:00.001+12:00

…I have learned that different disciplines use particular words to describe good work done in that discipline. For example, in physics the best work is described as ‘‘elegant’’ which seems to mean the implications of the work may not be understood or the work itself may not be understood, but the mathematics has an undeniable beauty. Work in mathematics is sometimes described as elegant, but mathematicians usually describe the best work as ‘‘deep.’’ Deep mathematics usually indicates math not well understood in the community of mathematics. Once what was ‘‘deep’’ is generally understood, it becomes applied mathematics. Work in biology is usually described as ‘‘interesting’’ which means the work helps me understand or ‘‘see’’ what I had not understood. The primary words used in the social sciences are ‘‘robust,’’‘‘powerful,’’ ‘‘important,’’ and ‘‘useful.’’ ‘‘Robust’’ usually means work that helps the social scientist explain wider implications other than the ones the work was initially designed to accomplish. In the humanities the work is described as ‘‘influential’’ which seems to indicate that the work has changed the minds of other scholars who know something about that subject. In some fields in the humanities, such as philosophy, the work can be described as representing a powerful argument. I often reflect that the word that should best describe theology is ‘‘faithful’’ which may well make theology closer to mathematics and physics than the social sciences. At least in mathematics and physics it is still assumed that such work is committed to truth.

From Stanley Hauerwas, The State of the University: academic knowledges and the knowledge of God (Oxford?; Malden, MA: Blackwell Publishing, 2007), p. 20, note 19].

Getting in early for Pentecost

2011-05-19T20:38:00.000+12:00

Had the final session of our Worship and Liturgy paper tonight. Together we last week prepared a Pentecost service, and divided out parts of the service. We decided to focus on the imagery of the colours of Pentecost (a topic I struggled with a bit). I landed the role of delivering a short reflection. Tonight we presented. It was a beautiful short service, rich in imagery and carefully chosen words. This was my reflection.

The Colours of Pentecost

Pentecost is Red
the colour of fire and blood
associated with energy, war, danger, strength,
power, determination, passion, desire, and love.

Emotionally intense, it enhances human metabolism,
increases respiration rate,
and raises blood pressure.

In heraldry, red indicates courage.

Pentecost is Yellow
the colour of sunshine
associated with joy, happiness, intellect, and energy.
Unstable and spontaneous

Yellow produces a warming effect,
arouses cheerfulness,
stimulates mental activity,
and generates muscle energy.

Babies cry more in yellow rooms.

In heraldry, yellow indicates honour and loyalty.

Pentecost is Orange
combining the energy of red and the happiness of yellow
Orange represents enthusiasm, fascination,
happiness, creativity, determination, attraction,
success, encouragement, and stimulation.

Orange increases oxygen supply to the brain,
produces an invigorating effect,
and stimulates mental activity
and appetite.

May we know the fullness of the Pentecost reality
The Spirit of energy, joy, determination
The God who brings us life

Awake my soul and sing

2011-05-15T13:44:00.001+12:00

Faithfulness
Hope
Transformation
Mercy
Joy
Reconciliation
Ressurrection

Vanity

2011-05-09T00:52:00.001+12:00

Been sorting through some old photos on my computer. The person I have the most photos of? Me.

Favorite photo of me...

Least favorite photo of me...

Vibrant Evangelicanism

2011-05-05T12:00:00.001+12:00

From the Denver Seminary website:

Former Denver Seminary president Dr. Vernon Grounds described Denver Seminary as a place of vibrant evangelicalism. He wrote, “Here is no unanchored liberalism, freedom to think without commitment. Here is no encrusted dogmatism, commitment without freedom to think. Here is vibrant evangelicalism, commitment with freedom to think within the limits laid down in Scripture.”

An interesting description. Wonder how that fits within the journey of theological education I'm on?

Sometimes a letter in the mail changes your day

2011-04-27T14:07:00.001+12:00

Letters in the mail can evoke all sorts of responses.

If it's an assignment back from Otago University, I am usually terrified of the contents.
Mail from the bank, Inland Revenue. Slight worry.
Or unexpected mail that signals the end of a relationship.

Today I received a letter from Bishop Tom saying that I have been accepted as a Candidate for Ordination to the Priesthood.

This letter evokes a few things for me:
(a) I am reminded how much the Diocese could do with some help with their branding. It's not particularly pretty.
(b) Terror. What have I gotten myself into? How (by the grace of God) do I get there?
(c) Relief.
(d) Immense joy.

November 19 this year at Wellington Cathedral I will be ordained as Deacon. Hopefully the following year I will be ordained as Priest.

Now to open the other letter from Otago University...

Easter 2011

2011-04-26T15:19:00.000+12:00

Maundy Thursday
Sang and played. Missed out on getting feet washed, but still felt completely connected with preceedings. Played 'Abide with me' solo on trumpet at the end. Been a long time since I have played a serious trumpet solo. Felt good.

Maccas with other students after the service, blogged, then headed back into Holy Sepulcher for the last hour of the vigil. Managed to battle the beeping fire alarm and enjoyed the space to pray. Got the alarm down to beeping only every minute, which provided a good prayer focus (think of one topic/person, pray just for them for the full minute until the next beep - amazed how God brings people to mind and directs my prayer).

Good Friday
Back to Holy Sepulcher mid morning for midday service. Another beautiful service. A bit overwhelmed by the size and presence of the cross. Was nice to just sit at the foot of the cross for a bit after the service.

Headed home and felt completely wiped out by the focus of the day. Good Friday undoes me.

Ate dinner of broccoli, carrot and potato soup. Yum.

Easter Saturday
Still feel wiped out by easter journey. Think it is a good place to be on Easter Saturday. Think of the turmoil of Jesus disciples.

Listened to entire audio book of Love Wins by Rob Bell. Found it to be helpful.
(I don't think Rob Bell is a heretic.)

Excited for the end of lent. Feel like I have been out of contact with many of my friends. Also excited by the moment we can shout out as a congregation "He is Risen Indeed!"

Dead broccoli needs cooking. Invent broccoli scrambled eggs. On toast. Tasty.

Buzzing with excitement as I dress and head to Holy Sepulcher for Easter service. Feel like we sing our hearts out. The way Easter should be. Played trumpet accompanment to 'Thine be the Glory' for final hymn.

Sausage rolls and eclares supplied in the church hall afterwards.

Lent is over. Log back onto facebook. Feel lonely.

Easter Sunday
Alarms set for 6am, need to be at St Paul's to operate the sound desk by 7am. As always anxious about sleeping in and letting the side down. Fortunately up and out in time to grab a McCoffee from the drive through on the way to church.

I know what the knobs in the sound desk do, but still feel like I have no idea what I need to do to make the sound good. I smile, fake it, and try my best. No disasters. Worship and sing along.

Went out to Piha with Lydia and Jordan after church. Lunch at the Piha Cafe, then a drive and a walk. Grey day but lots of people about. Plenty of surfers in the water. Nice way to spend the day with friends

I love easter. I love the slow journey through darkness and light, through pain and victory. I love the way we don't fastforward straight from Friday to Sunday. I love Jesus. I love the riches of our faith.

Maundy Thursday

2011-04-22T00:32:00.001+12:00

Just back from Maundy Thursday vigil, organised and led by college students. Was held this year at Holy Sepulcher Church, a beautiful but intimidating building.

Sang in the (pseudo) choir and played my trumpet at the end. A real privilege.
Then Maccas with some students before heading back to the church.

My mind moves too fast
It doesn't always cope with slowing down
Praying slowly
Waiting
Speaking and listening
But practice makes better
And I for one am glad
For sacred moments

Hello old friend.

2011-04-18T17:41:00.001+12:00

With apologies to my neighbors.

Lent

2011-03-30T22:44:00.001+13:00

Lent is a funny season. It's that period of 40 (ish) days leading up to Easter Sunday. People give things up, they take things up to make the season an examination of self; to discover the presence of God in a life a little less than ordinary.
I don't know how the number count is going. Perhaps we have passed the half way, I don't know.
It is certainly a useful season. I realise a little more of what is important, and what is not.
In the past i have prided myself on going hard for lent, giving up meat, shoes, driving, tasty beverages, cheese, walking long distances. All sorts of things. Pride is not a godly attribute.

This year I'm doing something very little, and I'm finding it rather difficult.
Perhaps I might start counting down the days.
Are we there yet?
---
Have just finished reading "The Year of Living Like Jesus" by Ed Dobson. I was sceptical it would be all about wearing a long beard, eating kosher food and not wearing clothes of mixed weave. And on the cover Ed sports a rather impressive beard. (I'm not sure i could do a beard, not even for lent.)
But this book is all about honesty, personal journey, faith, struggle and life.
I want to follow the way of Jesus. I want my ideas to be changed. I need a fresh passion. I long to be more connected. I believe it is indeed the best possible way to live.

Why must it always come to this?

2011-03-29T01:13:00.001+13:00

Essays, essays, essays
I have procrastinated
I have prolonged your focus
But now we must
Engage
Eventually
Hopefully intelligently

Parihaka

2011-02-19T20:32:00.004+13:00

I have not travelled this road before

It is a route I have avoided
And viewed with suspicion
And embarrassment

But this is sacred ground
Not just in tragedy
But in beauty
Of peace and hope and love
And even joy

The tales these hills tell
Whisper and shout
The grace covers my shame

A short parable

2011-02-03T11:03:00.001+13:00

The kingdom of heaven is like a man, trapped in his little corner of suburbia, academia, latenight television and facebook who hears tourists speak tales of beauty, passion and discovery about a country he has resided in but rarely lived in.

Healthy Longevity

2011-02-01T12:30:00.000+13:00

Asked a church leader that I respect what he would consider to be the keys to healthy longevity in ministry is. He replied:

Longevity in ministry in my experience is not a common thing. It involves a combination factors that are difficult to maintain: a true sense of God's call and clear purpose from the Lord, the ability to weather discouragement and the continual wear and tear of ministry, a collection of lasting and healthy relationships that protect you from the isolation and character erosion of living out in front of people all the time, cultivated honesty and humility about who you are and what you are doing, and finally the magic ingredient of Christian living - choosing not to quit when you have opportunity to give up time and time again.

Church as art gallery

2010-11-29T15:28:00.001+13:00

Scribbled notes from my wanderings around the Christchurch art gallery after church yesterday...

Church as art gallery
   Church as museum
   Church as town hall
   Church as tourism hotspot
   Church as family

Art connects a humanity
   Evokes from within us

Priest as artist?
   Or curator?

Does a childrens gallery deserve Colin McCahon?
   Or comic sans?

We come seeking different profounds.

What evokes?
   Terror
   Humor
   Humanity
   Mirrors
   Beauty
   Light
   Darkness
   Disgust

Art as conversation
   With the artist
   With ourselves
   With prayer

Art is what we notice

Cathedral One

2010-11-23T17:16:00.002+13:00

As I write this I am listening to the cathedral choristers practice for tonights evensong. They sound glorious.
After a morning mostly made up of staff meetings etc (lesson: cathedral staff are exceptionally busy) I have been helping this afternoon with making some effort toward decorating the Christmas tree. Using the lift was fun but nerve racking. Hazards include falling, tipping, or driving into Grade One historic building or artifacts.
I have use of the bishop's car for ten days while she is overseas. An unexpected treat.
Tomorrow (assuming I figure out how to drive here) I expect more of the same.
So far it hasn't been too scary.
Phew.

NZ521

2010-11-21T13:59:00.001+13:00

Sitting here at Auckland Airport ready to fly south. Except I'm not sure that I am ready.
The boarding call has just been made.
Boarding this flight farewells St Johns for 2010.
I will be met at Christchurch by my brother, head out to Parklands before heading in for choral night prayers at the Cathedral at 5.30.
My bag contains borrowed cassock, alb and surplice. I guess they will need hours of ironing.

A sign! A sign!

2010-11-19T00:54:00.001+13:00

Long Bay

2010-11-18T23:55:00.001+13:00

I bound down the beach
In the poo
I vent, I rant
I mention scubalon
more than once
I shake my fist
I have no bargaining to do
I'm out

Then quietly
I am reminded
"My grace is sufficient"

My pace slows
The beach is coming to an end
It is time to turn
Together we sing
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end"

Pack the bag

2010-11-15T13:47:00.001+13:00

Home is important to me.

Bed, television, safety, space.

Cloister Flat 13 is home.
So is Wellington.

I am on the bus now to Long Bay where I am heading for a couple of days retreat. Just one book to read - it has cow print duraseal on the front and I have not read it devotionally enough lately.

I will be turning off all Internet.
I have not brought headphones with me.
I will hand my sim card in at reception.

I want to hear.
I want to listen.
I need to stop.
Breathe deeply.
Be here now.

On Sunday I fly down to Christchurch where I will be on a months placement at the Cathedral. Will be interesting - I'm not really a cathedral guy. It will be a busy time. Apparently much to do. Then it will be Christmas. Then New Year. Then New Wine. Then a new year and another new semester.

Maybe next year I might even get my own name on my front door?

Don't talk about money

2010-11-06T08:09:00.001+13:00

A friend asked me if I believe in tithing (giving 10% of income to the church). I answered that I believe in contributing financially to the local church.

I retain belief that God calls us into family as church together. A body with many parts. We all get to play together, and we get the privilege of contributing together. I believe in the local church and think it's something worth investing in.

I'm also very aware of the power of money. How easily it traps Aware how easy it is to make excuses. I'm a student, for the Lord. I receive the student allowance. What difference could my measly tithe make?

So my friend asked me again if I believe in tithing, the principle of giving ten percent to the local church.

I replied that I believe in generosity. I like ten percent. It's easy maths. But I also believe in eleven...

Eden Park Open Day

2010-10-10T19:26:00.000+13:00

Had a wander today after church to the open day at Eden Park. Opportunity to wander through the new stand, changing rooms, sit on the pitch, live entertainment etc.

Wellington Synod

2010-09-18T14:58:00.001+12:00

Wellington diocese is the only diocese to covenant that their St Johns students return each year for synod. I quite like that fact because it is great to catch up with the dio family. I again have a job here (my nametag calls me technical director) which is fun and keeps me on my toes. Fly home again tomorrow night.

The Kindle Sessions

2010-09-13T22:02:00.002+12:00

Great night of free worship with the St Pauls worship team tonight. Great sense of freedom, space, waiting, listening and community.

Ode to the green mound

2010-09-07T17:41:00.003+12:00

You were my favorite waterfront feature
A green mound, perfectly formed
A crescent of lawn
A hilltop of solitude
A spot to sleep in the sun
A challenging shortcut
An excellent place to watch the world pass by
A stadium for fireworks
A city retreat

Now you are a tamed piece of flat
And a lagoon shaped hole

I miss you

Soak

2010-09-05T23:44:00.002+12:00

Spoke at 5pm service at St Pauls tonight. Being given the Acts 9 passage on Saul's encounter on the road to Damacus was a gift. Went ok I think. In such a setting I wish my sermon style was more academic, but maybe that's just not me.

Then helped out with the Soak service at 7pm. A great atmosphere, and great worship from Andy, Chris, Suzie, Geoff and the crew. What a treat! (and scrounged a ride home afterwards too!)

Goodbye, friend

2010-09-05T00:27:00.000+12:00

One of the most incredible blessings I received last year was the gift of a car, at just the time when my old car had died. A car. For free. We've travelled well together but warrants were starting to get expensive with repeated rust problems. Rust is the cancer of cars. An expensive cancer.

So, I've decided to be carless for the foreseeable future of my time here at St Johns. Having no car is cheaper for the student-sized wallet, and the bus and train service is pretty handy. Getting to and from the supermarket is a bit of a pain, and I'll miss the flexibility of easy trips to the airport, other churches etc, but I am not sad. My silver bullet was an incredible blessing.

Night Prayer

2010-09-04T23:18:00.002+12:00

One of the expectations of being a student at St Johns is attendance at at least some of the daily college worship services. My favorite is the Night Prayer service at 9pm. The chapel is silent, almost empty, and the service gives space to reflect on the day, commit it in prayer, and acknowledge the presence of God. Keeping it real.

Sons of Korah

2010-09-04T23:12:00.001+12:00

Amazing music and scripture for the soul.

Apathy

2010-08-18T22:15:00.002+12:00

2010-08-17T10:19:00.000+12:00

Ok, threee great quotes blogged in quick succession. Sometimes studying theology is like that. This time we have Rowan Williams from here:

‘The person who asks forgiveness is a person who has renounced the privilege of being right or safe; he has acknowledged that he is hungry for healing, for the bread of acceptance and restoration to relationship. But equally the person who forgives has renounced the safety of being locked into the position of the offended victim; he has decided to take the risk of creating afresh a relationship known to be dangerous, known to be capable of causing hurt. Both the giver and the receiver of forgiveness have moved out of the safety zone; they have begun to ask how to receive their humanity as a gift.'

Conformity

2010-08-17T10:11:00.002+12:00

William Stringfellow:

‘Who are you if you are just like everybody else? I will tell you plainly who you are – you are nobody! If you are a conformist just for the sake of being that, it is as if you did not exist in any significant, personal, or human way whatever. It is no real popularity that you gain if your own popularity is suffocated in the effort to conform. You cannot be popular, much less accepted and loved – which involves a different thing than simple popularity – if you are anonymous, and yet it is anonymity into which conformity invites you. If you are a conformist, if you look and act and talk like everybody else, you are nobody; and if you are nobody you might as well be dead, since you are already dead in principle’.

The Generation Game

2010-08-17T09:55:00.000+12:00

Working on an essay on P T Forsyth's kenosis theology. Found this stunning quote from 1916 (the middle of WWI) on this blog:

The bane of modern and current religion is in the practical loss of the idea so closely identified with Love's might, majesty, judgment, and glory -- the idea of the holy. Either it is lost, or there is substituted for the moral meaning of it the aesthetic, and for the ethical the seemly; so that the response is but reverence instead of real worship, attrition instead of repentance, an extreme regard to religious decorum and good form...but no equal regard for the type of life.....And the root of this error , which taints and flattens the whole field of religion, is the abeyance of an atonement as the foundation of our faith, the atmosphere of our worship, and the principle of our life....If such an atonement [as the judgment of God] become otiose to our faith (as is increasingly the case), the note of the holy, i.e., the moral, must fade from it; and we are left with little beyond a piety either aesthetic, mystic, or sentimental, but too easy for judgment, too feeble for the control of civilisation, and fit only to become a branch of its culture. And the man of mere culture is shut out from the best it is in him to be.

It is the absolute self-delusion which ends in moral madness, because it shrinks, beyond everything else, from a habitual self-reference to the Cross as the judgment seat of Christ, and a constant correction there. Christ's servants, and not His comrades, we are, His property by heavenly purchase, and not simply His poor relations nor His weak allies. A religion whose ethic is not founded in its forgiveness, which is not a daily repentance but a constant self-satisfaction, and which only abets by sanction the passion for power of unredeemed man, is a daily invitation to judgment. And we are now learning what judgment is. We have descended into hell.

2010-08-14T20:25:00.001+12:00

Taking a Gamble

2010-08-14T01:14:00.000+12:00

New Zealanders spend $870 Million Lotto in New Zealand (the round balls or Instant Kiwi scratchies) every year. The figure is growing rapidly. Five years ago, that figure was $600 Million.

Thank about that. We spend an average of $200 for every man, woman and child on lotto.

Doing the maths on chances of winning big in lotto make for standard high school statistics exercises (1 in 3,838,380 for Lotto, 1 in 16,290,120 for Big Wednesday, and an incredibly faint 1 in 38,383,800 for Powerball)

But I was curious to find out how big the pot was... what percentage of takings actually get put back as prizes? How much is spent on advertising? Costs? How much goes to Lotteries Grants? Did some number crunching from the New Zealand Lotteries Commission and came up with the following chart.

To put that in another term, for every dollar spent on lotto, 10c goes to the government, 7c goes to the person you bought the ticket from, 4c is spent convincing you to buy more tickets, 19c goes to community groups, and only 55c is put into the pot for you to win. Or not. These are not particularly winning odds.

Have we a problem?

This is a tragedy

2010-08-13T00:16:00.000+12:00

Ruddy Boy

2010-07-15T01:26:00.001+12:00

Today's task was a description of a Biblical Character

Some might describe him
   As of a ruddy complexion

Clearly not yet a man, but no longer a boy
   His mid teens rendering his limb proportions
   A confused gangly mess

But there is strength in his arms
   One who knows the benefit of an honest day’s work
   Of life in the fields

A few choice scars
   War wounds the evidence proudly displayed
   to illustrate his tales of defence and victory
   Of lions and bears

Calluses on the tips of his fingers

His eyes shine brightly
   with joy
   and anguish
   and poetry
   and innocent determination

An earnest lad
   He runs when he moves from place to place

The Room

2010-07-13T16:41:00.002+12:00

Doing a preaching course. Last night's homework was to prepare a two minute description of a biblical location...

The city bustles with the festival
   Travellers from out of town

But this is an anonymous house
   Amongst the dreary suburbia of the city

Nothing significant ever happens here

The street remains typically quiet

The room an upper storey rooftop extension
   doesn’t get a lot of use these days
   Perhaps a grown family, left home
   Now, life happens downstairs
   Upstairs a tribute to years past
   Accumulated non-essentials.

The room was not expecting company tonight
   Hurried preparations the minimum to ready for a feast.
   Tables moved
   Cushions arranged
   But betrayal from the thin layer of dust
   that would otherwise be dealt with
   had time allowed.

Tonight, for a change, the room is full, heavy with somber celebration

Lit lamps cast dramatic orange flames
   that, despite best efforts,
   do not quite reach the furthest corners

The staleness of the air
   mingles with the distinctive aroma of burning oil,
   the presence of thirteen men
   and the smell of a sacred meal.
   Lamb, herbs, bread, wine.

Walkabouts in Dunedin

2010-07-08T00:11:00.000+12:00

What is Truth?

2010-06-30T16:45:00.001+12:00

Ok. Maybe time to get provocative.

I'm at the Hermeneutic Hui of the anglican church which is talking
about sexuality, particularly homosexuality. Not really here as a
participant, but as a member of the chaplaincy team.

Amongst all the discussion, a root question remains among the
definition of truth.

Is there such a thing as absolute truth?
Am I wrong?
Does God get a say?
How do we hear God's voice as a community?
Is it still truth if I don't like it?
Is it still truth if it makes me uncomfortable?
Is it still truth if I passionately disagree?
Is it still truth if it is outside my experience?
Is 'natural' and 'unnatural' a construct or inherent?
Have we boxed God too small?
Have we boxed God too wide?
Is our theology too much like sociology?
Are we listening at all?
Are we saying too much?
Are we not saying enough?
Are we once again missing the point?
Is there hope? Should we give way to dispair?
Are we relating to God?
Are we relating to each other?
How will eternity look at this moment?

I can't sleep

2010-06-21T04:07:00.000+12:00

At 1:30 this morning I was giving up on my plan to stay awake and decided to go to sleep. Light out, but tv still on. NZ versus Italy?

Minutes into the game I was out of bed and excited.

Now that the game is over, my heart is racing and I can't sleep.

Realistically, it was only a draw. A draw is not a win.
But New Zealand drawing with the defending champions? Magic.

I'm cooking toast.
Sometimes a draw is worth celebrating.

You have sacrificed much to be here

2010-06-14T14:45:00.001+12:00

Moving up to St Johns at the beginning of this year was a big move.
An intimidating and big move.

And I'm glad that I have done it.
I am glad to be here.
It is a privilege.
I feel that deeply.

But I also feel that I have sacrificed much to be here.

Financially,
a student has a lot less fun than even a church worker.

Socially,
I miss my Wellington friends and colleagues (family) deeply.

Creatively,
there are far fewer opportunities gifted to me.

Spiritually,
I miss the conversations, the risks, the vulnerability.

Pridefully,
I miss being somebody. Anybody.

These sacrifices are a good thing
but they are still sacrifices
and they still hurt.
Sometimes.

And sometimes I just need to acknowledge that.

Party to celebrate 40 years of marriage

2010-06-06T00:00:00.000+12:00

Thanks mum and dad!

Some photos from the phone from this week

2010-06-05T00:49:00.000+12:00

Sometimes, if you want a job done, you just have to do it yourself. Turns out Century Gothic bold capitals 30 is a pretty good match...

The lights on the chapel at college cast cool shadows...

Ghandi at the Wellington Station appears to have a dog and glasses...

Repent

2010-05-17T00:47:00.000+12:00

Had the privilege of running the lyric projection side of things at the St Pauls 9am and 11am services today. Managed to figure out how to make things work.

Heard Tim Keel speak. I had actually met him on my very first Sunday in Auckland - I had arrived on Saturday night and made my way to the 11am service, he sat next to me. We met over the break. It was his first Sunday too. He told me he had arrived in Auckland to lecture at Laidlaw college.

He's really good! I enjoyed his sermon both times.

Diring the break between services I mentioned that I was writing an exegesis of Mark 1:1-15 for an essay (due in eight hours time, I'm currently procrastinating with a train of thought that won't make it to the final essay). He mentioned metanoeō, the greek word for 'repent' (which appears in verse 15). Rob Bell actually addressed this word well in a talk a couple of weeks ago, but Tim unpacked with me further the 'good news' element of repentance. In fact, metanoeō is the opposite of paranoia. Isn't that stunning?

Kinda embarrassing when I think how I used to proclaim messages of 'repent' but did so with a severe look and a hardened heart. Apologies!

Finally, a random quote that I found online from Tim:

"We live in a culture of reductionism. Or better, we are living in the aftermath of a culture of reductionism, and I believe we have reduced the complexity and diversity of the Scriptures to systematic theologies that insist on ideological conformity, even when such conformity flattens the diversity of the Scriptural witness. We have reduced our conception of gospel to four simple steps that short-circuit biblical narratives and notions of the kingdom of God on earth as it is in heaven in favor of a simplified means of entrance to heaven. Our preaching is often wed to our materialistic, consumerist cultural assumptions, and sermons are subsequently reduced to delivering messages that reinforce the worst of what American culture produces: self-centered end users who believe that God is a resource that helps an individual secure what amounts to an anemic and culturally bound understanding of the 'abundant life."

— Tim Keel (Intuitive Leadership: Embracing a Paradigm of Narrative, Metaphor, and Chaos)

Now, back to that essay...

How I have started sorting my emails with Gmail

2010-05-15T13:16:00.000+12:00

My gmail inbox is kept quite busy with the sheer quantity of emails that come in. And I like it that way. I appreciate receiving notifications from Facebook, from 1-Day, Trade Me, my favorite bands, Woolworths or Dominos Pizza. It keeps me in touch with the latest news, best and interesting deals.

But it is tedious to delete all these notifications from my inbox individually. (Emails like these accounted for 56 of the 61 emails I received yesterday.) So what is my solution?

Unfortunately Gmail filters only operate at the moment that an email is received. There s no way to say "filter emails from this domain that I have read after 24 hours". It is however possible to autotag emails from addresses with a common tag. In my case it is "The Regulars". To clean up my inbox I only need to view all my "The Regulars" emails, select all and delete.

My inbox is now clean.

If only there were a similar process to automate the cleaning of my room and the washing of my dishes...

Anticide/Formication

2010-05-13T22:38:00.000+12:00

It's probably no surprise to you that I'm a wuss.

Walked into my kitchen this afternoon to discover that the mug which I had used last night for my pre-sleep milo was covered in ants. Pants. Dropped the mug in the sink and swam the ants away. Felt bad for the ants.

This afternoon I found an ant bait station in the cupboard with a top-up bottle, so put the station on the bench, topped up the juice and left it to do its thing. Forgot about it. These things don't even work. Right?

Walked into the kitchen tonight to find the bench fair teeming with ants. Sure, there were lots of dead ants around the bait, but there were lots more ants that couldn't make it close. What to do?

I should confess at this point that I'm a bit of a scardy-cat when it comes to creepy crawleys (of any shape, size or threat). Moths, cockroaches, flies, ants. I don't much like them being around me when they're alive, and I don't much like them when they're dead either. Outside, fine. But not in my house.

So, I reached for the trusty can of flyspray. Death in a can.

More effective than I even hoped. The problem not that I have dead (and dying) ants everywhere (and lots more dead under the "cookmate" and under the microwave. What to do?

Apologies to my fellow cloister residents for the 9.30pm vacuuming. My bench is now, finally, clean.

Years ago, while flicking through the dictionary, I discovered a cool word. Formication. It was a word that I have taken great delight in using over the years as it regularly comes in useful. Sometimes to shock, sometimes to impress.

Only problem is that it is now a very real reality for me. No longer just a word.

"Sensation as of ants walking over the skin."

There is such a thing as a free lunch

2010-05-13T00:06:00.000+12:00

One of the perks of college life is free lunch every day. We're now onto the third rotation through the four week menu, so I thought I would post my interim scorecard.

Tomorrow it's Macaroni Cheese, then Friday is Crumbed Jandal.

Sometimes it's better not to know.

Changing into neutral

2010-05-11T23:43:00.002+12:00

Ever get that feeling when you're driving down the motorway that you really want to put your car into neutral and cruise for a while?

Thought I would treat myself and go to the movies tonight. So gulped down my dinner and raced off to Sylvia Park, arriving with five minutes to get a ticket and get seated. Chose the shortest queue. I think the cashier was in the running for friendliest employee of the month. Each sale took a lot of questions, lots of pointing, quite a few smiles, walks backwards and forwards to obtain cups, popcorn, coke, icecreams. All very leisurely. I think he was probably cruising. After 10 minutes in the queue the queue was two customers shorter. Another five minutes and I moved forward again. The long queue next to mine had been through.

So I gave up.

I actually like sitting in the theatre before the movie. I like watching the ads on the big screen. I enjoy trailers. I didn't want to be late. I didn't want to be stressed. I didn't want to be served by this attentive cashier. So I left. Into neutral.

And I came home.

Maybe next week?

---

Can anyone give any reason why Prime Television insist on showing two episodes of "COPS Uncut" every night back-to-back before Letterman? Are we that keen to catch up on back episodes?

2004 again?

2010-05-09T19:00:00.002+12:00

Tonight I sit in a place of conflict. My logic says I love my life at St Johns. It is a privileged place. The location, the community, the wisdom, the knowledge, the history... I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

At the same time I feel great loss. Tonight I miss my Karori family dearly. I miss 'up front' ministry. I miss the creativity. I miss preaching. I miss the 'seat of your' pants element of worship, wondering where God might lead next. I miss the priviledge. I miss the responsibility. I miss the self-centred affimation that my insecure nature craves.

I struggle with being nobody.
I struggle with being a nobody with big dreams.
I'm a nobody with big dreams and big doubts.
And a big God.

cats

2010-04-25T00:33:00.000+12:00

Mid Semester Break

2010-04-15T15:50:00.002+12:00

It feels very early in the year, but have been enjoying two weeks away from Auckland as part of mid-semester break. Headed down to Christchurch on Easter Sunday and met my new nephew, Nathan. Spent four days down there before heading up to Wellington.

Location of fire at Titahi Bay... I love walking in this vicinity, so had to check out where the fire had been. Glad to see the beach Pohutakawa survived intact. A bleak sight though. Let's hope meaningful regrowth won't take too long.

Love the high technology options in my sister-in-law's car. Compact Disc, minidisc and cassette. Legend.

Lent Walking: Final

2010-04-03T19:35:00.001+13:00

With the season of Lent all but over, I bring my specific Lent walking commitment to an end. It's been really good. Ticked over to 304km this afternoon, just ahead of our Saturday night Easter Vigil service. (That's enough to get me from Wellington to the Hawkes Bay!)

Friday!

2010-03-20T00:08:00.005+13:00

What am I doing here?

2010-03-18T13:54:00.004+13:00

If you asked me two months ago why I was coming to St John's, my answer would have been simple:
"I am coming here to study."

However, the beauty of St John's is not that simple...

Being here is about formation
It's about community
It's about taking time out to stop and observe and learn
It's about taking time to understand
It's about sitting in a dark chapel at 9pm
It's about discussing theological matters over overcooked mince at lunch
It's about cracking jokes over overcooked mince at lunch
It's about making friends with people that I may otherwise have never talked to
Being here is a gift

And along the way I study...

I'm walking for lent

2010-03-18T00:53:00.001+13:00

This year, for lent I have not given up caffeine, cars, internet, meat, dairy, coffee, fizzy drink, shoes, or anything in fact. But I have taken up walking, and that is a good thing.

It helps me to get familiar with the local surroundings, and gives me great time to think and pray. I'm not militant about my walking... there are days that I don't walk. That's ok. There are days I treat myself with a longer walk. With 17 days to go in Lent I'm well ahead of my 200km target. Need to up the game a little if I want to make it to 300km. And quite obviously, I'm a complete geek. I take great delight in mapping the walks on my gps phone, then watching the worm move upwards...

Two pics of today

2010-03-14T23:44:00.003+13:00

Working in the St Johns kitchen. Cut my finger slicing up some kumera. Ouchies.

Writing my first essay. 2500 words and 30% final grade. Due tomorrow. Late night?

I have an Otago University ID Card

2010-03-11T13:56:00.004+13:00

Now I am eligible for cheap public transport et al. Very exciting. (Pity that I also have very little money to appreciate the student discounts with!) So tell me... what are the best student deals available to me?

Panaroma from Johnston Hill, Karori

2010-03-03T23:17:00.003+13:00

An old pic, but a goodie. I miss hills.

Unknown Identity

2010-03-03T22:59:00.008+13:00

When I moved in
My door read 'Guest Flat'.
I was a visitor to this place.

After a week the label was removed.
I was in.

But still I await a name
To say that the room is mine.
Until then
I wait.

Two quotes I have been pondering

2010-03-01T23:10:00.001+13:00

"Blogging about God is not the same as spending time with God. Don't confuse those two."
Jonathan Christopher, genius author Stuff Christians Like

"I thought God called me into ministry, but I was wrong. God called me to intimacy with Him, and ministry would come from the overflow."

Unknown, posted by one of his Facebook followers

The Gutter: Where Life's Meant to be Lived

2010-02-21T00:10:00.002+13:00

Just listened to this audiobook by Craig Gross (founder xxxchurch.com plus other cool stuff). The book makes a clear argument that, as Christians, we ought to spend much less time in our ivory towers, and more in the gutter where people are (following the example of Jesus).

"Don't blame the dark for being dark.
Blame the light for not shining on the dark."

Great material there. He uses the examples of his own xxxchurch.com work, the work of an outreach discussion group that met at Hooters and others. Provocitave stuff, but good for the soul. Very good for the soul.

Advice I gave a young friend today

2010-02-08T18:46:00.001+13:00

"My advice for you is continue to grow deeper; be more honest, more vulnerable; be boldly humble and humbly bold; love God with everything; revel in wisdom."

Things that were good today

2010-02-05T23:11:00.001+13:00

1. The dvd's that I have been needing to burn for months finally worked. One file was particularly troublesome, but it worked!

2. Meeting with the Dean and Course Coordinator at the College to discuss my study plans for 2010.

3. Barbecue with staff and students, including the new Melanesian Brothers that have just arrived.

4. Load of washing washed and dried this evening.

5. Food in my fridge (not just toast and jam).

6. Hot Cross Buns and hot chocolate for dessert.

7. Asked by the Dean to take the Melanesian crew to go and see Avatar tomorrow evening.

I say 'ka kite ano' and leave it at that

2010-01-30T00:45:00.002+13:00

Something
Is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it is

I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did

The words from U2's "Kite" have, not surprisingly been going around in my head tonight as I have hung with some dear friends and members of the church family. Tonight I sleep on a mattress on the floor of my empty house; tomorrow I leave Karori and drive up to Auckland.

There will be more tears. Probably not public tears, but the gut wrenching wail from within when I'm all alone. I don't like goodbyes.

My four years on staff at Karori have been the best years of my life. The staff team are so much more than colleagues, they are friends, sharpeners, inspirers, carers, alongsiders. The Vive crew are dear, dear friends. I said years ago that I'd happily give both kidneys for these people. I still mean it.

As I leave, I step into new opportunity. At the moment it feels expansive and daunting - a large room with the lights off.

Change is good. Auckland, watch out!

Who's to say where the wind will take you?
Who's to say what it is will break you?
I don't know
Which way the wind will blow.
Who's to know when the time has come around?
Don't want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

Moving out

2010-01-29T12:12:00.002+13:00

Te Papa. Our Space.
This little house has been my space, a refuge, a place to entertain, a place to think. And now all my stuff has been put into boxes and will soon be shipped out. Very strange. Tomorrow (all going according to plan) I will drive up to Auckland.
So long, it’s been great.

Farewells

2009-12-22T09:56:00.001+13:00

I had my last official service at Karori Anglican Church on Sunday night. After three and a half years on staff, and five years as part of the community, farewells are hard.

I don't like goodbyes.

A lot of people said a lot of nice things. Too many nice things. I hope to remember them, to treasure them. I wish i could believe them.

The work is far from done. The opportunities slip away. The dream remains.

January looms ahead as a busy month of preparation, packing, camping. And then moving.

I have much to savor. Moments, glimpses, smiles, friendships.

"I say 'ka kite ano' and leave it at that."

Unloading

2009-11-16T09:36:00.001+13:00

To Christchurch

2009-11-16T08:36:00.001+13:00

That's my blue bag at the end of the ramp. I'm heading to Christchurch for a week of New Wine meetings, Kingdom Intensive with Bruce Collins, and a little time with the canterbury whanau.

As always with morning flights, I was very grateful to have actually woken at my 6am alarm(s). Snoozing through the alarm is a very real fear. Caught the Airport Flyer and was impressed with the comfy seats and free wifi. Nice work Hutt Valley!

Change.

2009-11-03T19:57:00.000+13:00

So it's official.

A few weeks ago I attended the Wellington Diocese MDE. Anglicans love acronyms. In this case MDE stands for Ministry Discernment Event. It's about whether or not I am indeed called to ordained ministry in the Anglican church. To become like a vicar type. Scary stuff.

I left this weekend with the understanding that the wheels of the church turn slowly. I told people so.

However the following Friday morning I was surprised by a call from Bishop Tom. He had a proposal for me... 'Would I consider fast-tracking my process and head up to Auckland next January?' I had the weekend to make my decision. Wow.

I talked to close friends and family. I prayed. And on Sunday afternoon I talked to John (my vicar and boss). Bishop Tom had made it clear that John really didn't have a choice on this one, but I needed his support. We talked and prayed. We agreed that the timing was not what we expected, but that it was somehow right.

Monday afternoon I told Bishop Tom I would go for it. He told me that was the right answer. Within the hour I had the application forms, and within two hours I had a meeting booked with Jim White, Dean of St John's College for the following morning. I had less than two days to get my completed application in. The wheels were indeed turning fast.

So on Sunday night I had the privilege of telling the Karori Vive crew that I won't be around come 2010. A hard decision, and a costly one. I love the Karori crew.

Today I paid a visit to Auckland to visit St John's and to get an idea of the lie of the land. Very grateful to Tim for taking the time to show me around. It's a lovely place, peaceful, beautiful and studious. I don't imagine that the path ahead will be easy. I pray that it will be exciting. Life in abundance.

So I'm on the plane home as I write this. All of a sudden the word 'home' takes on extra meaning.

Celebrating a Billion Seconds of Life

2009-10-26T18:47:00.001+13:00

Heather's House Party

2009-10-26T18:42:00.000+13:00

Eight Minutes past One: Darlene Time

2009-10-18T23:52:00.002+13:00

From an old idea my mate Sam McGuire had years ago… Saw the photo of Darlene on her website and couldn’t resist.

One Third of a Million!

2009-10-18T22:28:00.002+13:00

One of the most amazing things to happen to me this year was to be given a car after my old car died. And this weekend we moved past the 333,333km mark!
Not bad at all for a 1.3 litre engine. Legend!

Discerning, writing, hoping, waiting

2009-10-01T01:38:00.002+13:00

For those of you who don’t know, I’m early in the process of figuring out whether I’m called to ordination as a Priest in the Anglican Church. In two weekends time I will be heading off to the discernment weekend. But for tonight it was a desperate effort to get some of the overdue paperwork dealt with. Had a great evening hanging with some of the Karori crew, then snuck into the office for some productive time.
The prospect of ordination excites me greatly.
But it terrifies me.
Sometimes a dream is so grand that reality would only seek to ruin it.
Sometimes insecurities rob us from ourselves.
Sometimes it’s a bold step.
Sometimes it’s a tentative movement based purely on the encouragement of friends.
Sometimes I know.
Sometimes I just know.

At the moment I’m wrestling.
I’m fat. I’m lazy. I’m boring. I’m conformed.
I seek transformation.
Please?

Farewell old friend

2009-09-22T11:00:00.000+12:00

Waiting for the auto dismantler to come and take my car away. The gear box gave up months ago and I should have dealt with this earlier. I got this car in 2000 and drove 170,000km in her. She's been a good friend. (A better friend to me than I have been to her.)

Wow

2009-09-03T14:50:00.001+12:00

John Wesley’s Small Group Questions

2009-07-26T17:10:00.001+12:00

These take accountability to a new level…

1. Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am better than I am? In other words, am I a hypocrite?

2. Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?

3. Do I confidentially pass onto another what was told me in confidence?

4. Am I a slave to dress, friends, work , or habits?

5. Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?

6. Did the Bible live in me today?

7. Do I give it time to speak to me everyday?

8. Am I enjoying prayer?

9. When did I last speak to someone about my faith?

10. Do I pray about the money I spend?

11. Do I get to bed on time and get up on time?

12. Do I disobey God in anything?

13. Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscience is uneasy?

14. Am I defeated in any part of my life?

15. Am I jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy or distrustful?

16. How do I spend my spare time?

17. Am I proud?

18. Do I thank God that I am not as other people, especially as the Pharisee who despised the publican?

19. Is there anyone whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold resentment toward or disregard? If so, what am I going to do about it?

20. Do I grumble and complain constantly?

21. Is Christ real to me?]

From http://blogs.lifeway.com/blog/edstetzer/2008/05/accountability-questions.html

James

2009-07-23T20:30:00.001+12:00

Uh oh...

Fixing the microwave, freeing the bacon

2009-07-17T14:25:00.001+12:00

I broke the microwave door somehow. It just wouldn't open. Thankful for fathers with crowbars.
Resistance is futile.

We are not playing with the photocopier. That would be irresponsible and naughty.

2009-07-13T21:53:00.002+12:00

Nooma: Whirlwind

2009-07-12T14:48:00.001+12:00

Been watching the new Nooma video online “Whirlwind” (online here for a couple of days, looks like it’s now gone) on rotation for the last 24 hours.

I can’t hide my bias. I dig Rob Bell. I dig Mars Hill Bible Church. I dig Nooma. Their theology and the messages have helped me and brought me closer to Christ. (I know that they get flack, I know some label them as liberal, dishonest, unfaithful etc. I disagree.)

And I love this episode particularly.

Firstly the geek in me gets excited by the challenge and beauty of a one shot video with a fantastic boom camera and 12 minutes of dialogue.

Second the imagery of the video, in all its simplicity is stunning.

Thirdly I really appreciate that this is a lot of bible. Straight bible.

Fourth i appreciate the message. Taking those times to shake your fist at God. But then having the wisdom of knowing when to stay silent.

The blurb from the website:

A lot of us have gone through times in our lives that are difficult. Some have been small and hard to understand and some have been big and overwhelming. During these times we want answers, don't we? We want to know why. Why do we have to suffer? Why do bad things happen to good people? We just want someone to make sense of it all. But we don't always get the answers, do we? Sometimes we are left wondering. And those can be some of the most difficult times. Maybe there are times we need to be released from having to have all the answers. And maybe it's when we're released that we are able see there may be more going on here than we realize.

Beautiful.

second half

2009-07-02T16:10:00.000+12:00

64 - 7
9 mins into second half

first try

2009-07-02T15:10:00.000+12:00

7-0 2min

On the way

2009-07-02T13:34:00.000+12:00

Heading over to Masterton to watch Wellington defend the shield against Wairarapa Bush.

Shameless Advertising

2009-06-30T11:37:00.001+12:00

Shooting Stars are Ben Claxton and Dave Barr – two of the members of Mumsdollar. They are a band/duet with music reminiscent of the Finn brothers; soaring harmonies, strong melodies, and warm acoustic guitars. Their music is ‘worship’ flavoured and appeals to a wide audience and age range.

Joining Shooting Stars is Mr Compassion himself. An ordained Baptist pastor and missionary in Bangladesh, Roger is a wonderful story teller and will be giving an encouraging message as to the incredible difference we can make when we choose to invest into the lives of at-risk children.

Free Concert! (Spread the word!)
7.30 pm Wednesday July 8, St Mary’s Karori

Home again

2009-06-26T01:22:00.000+12:00

I'm exhausted. Moving is physically stressful. My back hurts and my arms have various muscle pains to remind me that they've been up to something outside of the usual. Even scrubbing the fridge has turned into a workout. As I lie in bed, it is with a level of exhaustion and satisfaction that surpassess what passes for normality in my life.

We've broken the camel's back. The house is clean (or as close to that as we're likely to get it), most the furniture is out. Just a trip (or two) to the tip tomorrow and some local deliveries remain.

The weight and cloud called "shifting" has lifted. I am so grateful for the support and help of many.

I now lie in bed in the room where I grew up. The carpet is very threadbare and paintings from my nephew on my wall and his name on the door remind me that while many things seem the same, much has changed.

So i'm back home for a month. I haven't made this place my home for many years. I've had four wonderful flats in the meantime. Wonderful people.

Time for sleep.
It's nice to be home.

Moving House

2009-06-24T09:42:00.001+12:00

There are few processes i enjoy less than shifting.

Over the last three years I have lived in three different flats in Karori. Now I'm packing up and moving to my fourth Karori address.

The process of packing brings me in touch with my accumulated stuff. The dressing table that has been with me my whole life. Those things in the middle drawer under my bed that have been there since i moved in, and will probably be there still in another year. Those good intentions that i didn't follow through on. Intentions of new beginnings where i ended up falling flat on my face again. Stuff.

Shifting also forces me to face my failures. Those things i've put off for so long, but now can no longer. Things that have defeated me. Things that mock me. Things that have gotten out of control. The pile of rubbish outside. The overgrown "garden".

Relationships that could have been better.
Things I ought to have said.
Things I ought not to have said.
Community.

I'm tired of moving things. Tired of carrying. Tired of cleaning. Tired of walking into another room, just to discover more stuff. Tired of the threat of an angry landlord.

I grieve for and miss my flat already...

Notes from duffy robbins

2009-06-09T19:53:00.001+12:00

Heard Duffy Robbins speak again today at an event at Avalon Baptist. He is great. The talk that really hit home was his first… these are the notes I took on my phone…

POTHOLES ON THE ROAD OF LONG TERM YOUTH MINISTRY
That cause youth workers to burn out, blow out, drop out and retire

Amazing adventure
Also great danger

Six perils that can sink a career:
+ Feelings of personal inadequacy
+ Strained family relationships
+ A growing loss of confidence
+ Feeling unqualified for the job
+ Disorganised in one's work habits
+ Burn out

DUFFY’S FOUR BIG POT HOLES:

Pothole #1. Consuming activity

VANITY. We exhaust ourselves wanting to convince people we are important.
Henry Nouwen “In the name of Jesus”
+ Temptation to be relevant
+ Temptation to be spectacular
+ Temptation to be powerful

FOUR QUADRANTS
1. Strong sense of identity, self consciousness
The Ministerial Self (sons of Sceva)

2. Weak sense of identity, self consciousness
The Narcissistic Self (Simon the magician)

3. Weak sense of identity, God consciousness
The burn out self (God as taskmaster)

4. Strong sense of identity, God consciousness
The healthy self (God as father)

Am i struggling hard to be something other than me?

SLOTHFULNESS. Unintentional inactivity. Sometimes the laziest people are the busiest people. Present but not really. Not called to activity. Called to productivity. Like a tree (not a busy thing) about roots and fruits.

Has sloth shown up in my family life?
Am i serving in places where my giftedness and fulfilment lie?
Am i living too much in the future?
Am i spending too much time on tasks that are are useful but not important

Pothole #2. Personal holiness.

"that dead end street where all the words already spoken, all events already taken place, all the people already been met" Nouwen
First love buried

Symptoms:
+ Spending more time talking about prayer than actually praying
+ Private prayers begin to sound like public prayers
+ Reading the bible only for preparing studies
+ No time for cultivating the inner life
+ Third person reading
+ Inner exhaustion that leads to outer crankiness and cynicism
+ A loss of wonder
+ Increasing work with decreasing joy

I want there to be more to me than i get paid to be

Eugene Peterson "Working the Angles"
Listening to God:
+ Prayer
+ Scripture reading
+ Spiritual direction

Being attentive to God in a world of distraction

It requires quiet
It does not happen in the front of the room

Pothole #3. Dishonest intimacy. Sexuality. Pornography. Masturbation. Lust.

"What you may do and what you should do are two different things"
Archibald Hart

Slippery slope of "that couldn't happen to me"

Pothole #4. Neglected relationships.

Guarding the family
And i taking a day off and keeping it holy?
Who am i holding responsible for my family's schedule?
What am i doing to let my family members know they are special?

Accountability check

For more information, I ought to read “This Way to Youth Ministry” by Duffy Robbins

Anyone own it?

Can I borrow? Please?

Burning Lies

2009-06-07T21:34:00.001+12:00

Spoke twice at church today. This morning at 10.30 and with the crew at 7pm.

The morning talk was barely cohesive. I rambled and wasn’t succinct. Felt fairly discouraged through the day. People told me this evening it was ok. I am an awful judge of the quality or success of my own talks.

Anyway, spoke on John 3:1-17 where Nicodemus spoke to Jesus. Looked at Jesus’ explanation of the Kingdom of God and the difference between the Kingdom and the Club of Church. I responded to my own altar call.

Felt pretty rubbish this afternoon. Upset stomach.

Was gonna bail on talking this evening and instead show a video clip.
If only i could find one…

(Any recommendations?)

Anyway, in setting up the church (pre-evensong setup) I decided that we should plough ahead and proceed with the plan that I have had for a number of weeks.

Looked at the devil. Scary… Looked at John 10:10 then got people in groups to list the lies that the devil tries to trap us with. Gave them a copy of a list from this blog to get them started.

Then got people to take some time on their own, identify the lies that we are each personally battling. We wrote them on strips of paper and then burnt them.

I like burning things.

Was nice to do something tangible and sensory.

Sam and Jemma led great worship tonight too…

Hometime. Pretty tired.

Lucy

2009-06-06T15:18:00.000+12:00

Pentecost Snow

2009-06-01T00:11:00.002+12:00

The weather today has beet very odd. Patches of sun and blue sky in between the constant hail and snow. It's been chilly!

Pentecost. Had a combined service this morning that (I thought) completely missed the mark. Maybe I just wasn't in the right space. I expect at least some ministry/focus on the outpouring of the Holy Spirit/explaination of what pentecost means.

Did I mention it was cold today?

Didn't have a "service" tonight but had a great gathering. Felt like church, and felt like pentecost too. Isle played and sang three songs on the piano. I could listen to him for hours. (I did this afternoon). Jasmine played a song she had recorded earlier (she sounds stunning), Alana read a fantastic story (I love you to the moon and back) and Jemma was talked into playing a wee Coldplay number (accompanied by some fine dance). We have such a talented a creative crew.

I bumbled through talking a bit about the Holy Spirit, read the Acts 2 Pentecost passage and we waited. No fireworks. No visible tongues of fire. But a lovely moment.

In bed now. It's warmer and comfy.